When my ex first left, I was desperate to fix things. I wrenched my heart and taxed my brain in all the ways I could have (tortured him) done something differently to avoid the outcome. The relationship always had problems (his, okay both), yes, but maybe, just maybe if I had…..
I know several men and women going through this same emotional berating experience, seeking counseling, taking actions to rewrite history all the while stomping on their self-image and emotional balance leaving them less able to focus on what really matters at the point of heartbreak.
If I had it to do over again, (once is enough, thank you) I would do my best to do - nothing. So much of my agony was self –inflicted by what ifs, and should haves. Many of the actions that came from frustration, lack of control and a need to “show him”, only led to more hurt and pain than if I had just chosen no action at all.
Friends suggested counseling when my “doing something’s” became volatile or erratic, but in truth, my relationships with friends and loved ones could have helped me more, had I the hindsight and strength of character to take their advice . People are transparent and, for me, a counselor couldn’t tell me anything more profound than my friends and loved ones since they could see the issues quite clearly.
I finally decided (mind you I say again, this happens when you are ready) to do nothing and let it be. That is when I found myself again. I stopped prolonging the agony, faced the truth and began to heal.
It is hard to be the one left without control and I am a firm believer in as long as there is life, there is hope; however, I did have control of one thing, myself.
Whether or not there was still hope the relationship would heal, I gave away my personal power by not doing “nothing”, trying to re-write history and creating more drama and pain. I can’t change another’s actions or feelings but I can change my own to grow stronger. I learned to love unconditionally, it’s an immense high. Unconditional love does not mean putting up with adverse situations but accepting what is without regret.