Yes, it has been quite some time ago since I wrote a new post; and even longer ago when I felt this kind of a 'new beginnings' excitement. My first post here was in March of 2011, but I had been separated from my ex husband for 3 years by then. It is now 2015 - over 7 years has passed.
I have gone through so many emotions and life experiences in that time. Some expected, some not. ie. disbelief, anger, hurt, resentment, happiness, elation, freedom, insecurity,aging and all that comes with that puppy, menopause, confusion, being in limbo and limbo and limbo......
When my ex and I separated, I had no sense of self. Although we didn't have a great marriage, my life was wrapped up in it and all the drama. I, like most people, didn't know what was best for me, thinking I needed to try to save a marriage that was really not a marriage at all. Even after 27 years I can now say that I truly believe we should have parted ways years ago. We have a fantastic son through that union and we can always be thankful for that.
Once I started to spread my wings after the disbelief and depression, I reveled in my total FREEDOM. I enjoyed my private time, loved my social life out with my wacky gal pals and friends, lived for dance and learned so much about myself and life from new relationships. I enjoyed this time so much, I fought like a banche to keep it. "I don't need anyone, I am meant to be alone, I don't want to commit to anything or anyone, no one else's decisions are going to affect my life," were my mantras.
That time of having no sense of self, did a complete 180. I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted. I wanted to be a totally free and independent women, not having to rely on anyone else to live and be happy.
Some of that has not changed. But my mom used to tell me all the time when I was young, "No man is an island, kid." (Yeah, I had that independent rebel spirit in me all the while from when I was very young, I just kind of lost it for half a lifetime)
Now though, "There is a place where dreams are born and time is never planned. It's not on any chart, you can find it in your heart."
My heart has brought me peace. Whether in a relationship or not, my heart knows that the only time we really have is NOW. There is no tomorrow and there is no yesterday. Just now. And in that now, the heart creates peace, love and guidance. If I stay quiet and still, I can actually feel my heart smiling and sending that calmness to my brain. The heart penetrates all the limbo, limbo, limbo and feels the now, taking away all the anxious trembles of the unknown. There really is no unknown in the now, therefore there is no unknown in my life.
To be continued.......